A Journey to Self Discovery and Power
There’s a version of myself that used to flinch at my own intensity. That part that felt too much, too loud, too complicated. The part that held rage, grief, and a thousand unspoken truths. I used to think I had to tame her to be worthy. Now I know – I had to meet her.
This post isn’t a how-to. It’s a reckoning. A reclamation. A quiet celebration of the messy, nonlinear path I’ve walked to find balance between my darkness and my light.
My childhood was a happy place filled with love and support and empowerment. My grandmother, Nanny, raised me. My mom was a really wonderful big sister, and my dad wasn’t around until my teen years. For a while I thought that meant that I came from a “broken home,” but I’ve learned that it simply means that I understand love differently.
I’ve always been that type of person that everyone goes to for support or advice, so when my friends would talk about their struggles and traumas, it convinced me that my life was perfect…
Nanny always said to keep a positive mindset – when everything seems dark, look for the light, and if there is none, create your own. So that’s what I did! But that gets difficult when every light bulb seems to flicker and go out as soon as I got close to it. Rude…
I was only 14 when Nanny died. Luckily, she had covered most of the foundational parenting though, because mom was NOT ready for the task! After losing her mom and being thrust into motherhood of a 14 year old, her parenting style was – You can’t… (ya know, the one thing that’ll 100% make a teenager do the exact thing you don’t want them to do)…
That did however mean that I lived with my best friend throughout high school! See? … positive mindset!
Although… THAT means that I didn’t have a mature mentor mom to tell me how ridiculous of an idea it was to marry my high school sweetheart at 17… Rather, my best friend (with legal ability to sign the paperwork…) said “sounds dumb… let’s do it.” ….. thanks mom.
For many years I thought that my primary trauma started with my first marriage… Through healing, I’ve learned that I had some trauma before then too, it just wasn’t the same kind of trauma that I heard about from my friends. So, my brain automatically said “well, my situation isn’t as bad as theirs, so it must not be awful at all.”
I downplayed my trauma throughout my marriage too. I wasn’t dumb… Everyone said I was just young and stupid and thought I could fix him… And I guess that’s not entirely false, but it wasn’t only that… but that’s a blurb for another blog I suppose.
Now, fast forward through the divorce, another ‘almost’ marriage, and now my final boss (my wife), I’ve learned how to face and acknowledge my trauma. This is when “always keep a positive mindset” sort of went out the window… I much prefer being positive, but when all the silver linings turn out to be the edges of sharp blades upon discovery… eventually you only recognize the silver linings as blades…
They say, “you gotta face your trauma head on, unblock those memories and get to the roots.” Well… sometimes I think this is true. But remember, we all work a bit differently, right?
In 2020, I was blindsided by a side quest that I didn’t know was going to be the catalyst to my intentional healing journey… Witchcraft… (dun.. dun.. duunnnn….)
I’d always been incredibly interested in the metaphysical world. But since I’ve always believed in it, I knew better than to jump right in without any real consideration for the process. My brain, however, took this too far and told me that I couldn’t possibly participate in something so pure and dangerous (potentially), because with so much newly recognized negativity popping up on all my brain tabs, surely I would screw up my intentions and break the magic… duh…
My friend Aloe had invited my wife and I do they’re Egyptian Temple for Ritual… She was apprenticing the High Priestess at the Temple. This fascinated me… Aloe had been through far more recent traumas than I had, and I was baffled by her capacity for positivity and confidence in herself. I was totally intimidated… so I made excuses for months as to why I couldn’t make it to ritual. But, I started researching and asking Aloe questions about everything from affirmations and manifestation to astral projecting.
Eventually, I ran out of excuses not to go to ritual. And, I’d really wanted to go as soon as she invited me, I was just terrified of messing something up and things going wrong…
I can’t remember which ritual was my first, but the first ritual I remember was Samhain. The experience was totally eye opening. I had NEVER felt like I belonged anywhere, especially after Nanny died. No one had ever made me feel so welcome (I’m not even Egyptian pagan… but that didn’t matter). No one had ever told me how powerful I was… not how powerful I COULD BE… but how powerful I already was. No one had ever encouraged me to develop and harness that power. No one had ever told me HOW to unlearn the religious brainwashing…
Admittedly, I think I was still skeptical of the idea of witchcraft too… I always believed in it, but the world always said that witchcraft, even when intended for light, was inherently dark… and I think that stuck with me…
But, seeing and conversing with these other people who had similar experiences and barriers as I did, and who were also learning how to harness their own power… no matter where each person was on their journey, they all said “I’m learning” … even the High Priestess… THIS is what led to me going back to ritual again and again.
I only dabbled in basic practices for a long time still. I figured I couldn’t possibly mess up the medicinal witchcraft… I’ve always been medically inclined anyway… how hard could it be?
During these couple of years while I was learning the basics, I focused primarily on adjusting my mindset and intentions. Growing up, I loved being the positive kid… the one who could see something good in anyone or anything that came her way, the one that could turn any bad moment into something beautiful. I missed that. And I thought that once that was gone, it would be impossible to get it back.
Nanny always said, “when in doubt, don’t worry about one day at a time, break it down to one moment at a time… one breath at a time… you gotta start somewhere if you wanna get anywhere”
So, every time I would have a negative thought, I would think “ok, that’s not a pleasant thought, how can I reword it to be more pleasant?”
I’m not exactly sure when it happened… but, eventually I didn’t have to consciously force happier thoughts (which is exhausting btw).
The negative thoughts didn’t go away though… obviously that meant I was doing something wrong. See? I even made being more positive a negative thing… ugh…
I got discouraged and distracted by life and fell stagnant for a while. I was also under the assumption that all magic had to be done “by the book”… meaning like setting up an alter with specific ingredients, opening circle, and reading from a book of shadows… Well, when you have 5 kids, a wife and a business to run, finding the time and space to truly meditate and focus in on magic and the whole shebang seems like a pipe dream!
In 2023, I learned what Shadow Work is, and that I had been doing it already! No one told me how to do shadow work, or that I even needed to. I just decided that I wanted more out of life than what my brain had to offer, and couldn’t afford therapy, so I started asking myself the questions…
Conni Biesalski has a phenomenal guide to shadow work – The Essential Guide to Shadow Work: Integrate Your Wounded Parts + Live Your Authentic Self. She perfectly lists the basic questions to start asking yourself in moments of big feelings. It’s ok to not have an answer to each question at first… but asking the questions sparks the internal monologue required for healing.
Emotions are nothing more than a physical response to stimuli…
Consider this – you’re distracted with work (or whatever your brain decided to zone in on), and you catch a whiff of gods-only-knows what as you pass the breakroom or drive by a restaurant. Now, you’re suddenly starving like you haven’t eaten in days. – your stomach is empty (unrealized need) + you smelled food (stimuli) = now you FEEL hunger (physical response)…
What am I feeling? – hunger
Why am I feeling this? – I haven’t eaten since breakfast
What belief or story is attached to this feeling? – I might be starving to death right now
Does this feeling or situation remind me of something in the past or my childhood? – well yeah every time I’ve ever gotten hungry in my life, I’ve felt the need to eat… crazy right?
Feel the emotion in your body. Connect to it and give it the space it needs to complete its cycle… – Okay… or I could eat something to make the hunger go away…
And, now consider this – Your partner gets mad at something random (not you). You’re trying to support and calm your partner, but they’re not able to see through their anger right now. They’re having a hard time regulating their own emotions in the moment (or throwing a temper tantrum… whatever your brain says about this behavior), and their anger starts directing at you because you’re the one within range. They say “insert triggering remark here.” Instantly angry, your demeanor switches from supportive and reassuring to aggressive and defensive, further adding to the hostility…
What am I feeling? – anger, hurt
Why am I feeling this? – because _____ said/did ______
What belief of story is attached to this emotion? – maybe what they said was demeaning or spiteful that sparked an insecurity. Or maybe they threw something you said/did years ago back in your face. Only you know the story/belief attached…
Does this feeling or situation remind me of something in the past or my childhood? – maybe a past relationship or even parent would take their anger out on you even when you weren’t a catalyst to their anger. Or maybe the words your partner used reminds you of a different time when someone said the same words under different (worse) context. This could even simply be ‘my ex-husband used to yell and slam doors/things when he was drunk which usually led to worse things so now you yelling triggers those memories’ … could be anything…
Feel the emotion in your body. Connect to it and give it the space it needs to complete its cycle… – It’s important not to push this emotion away… feel it… acknowledge it… focus on where you feel the emotion and how. This is also the time to recognize that your current scenario is different than the triggered memory (if it’s not different… this is your sign to get the f*** out…), offering a replacement memory to teach your brain that not all moments like these will have the same results as before…
Obviously, these two scenarios are completely different, but they both offer the same process to resolution. Looking at them side by side shows the correlation between a FEELING (both physical and emotional), and a physical response.
There is more that goes into shadow work, but this is where it starts. It seems so incredibly simple… Don’t be fooled… it’s a simple process, but it’s not a simple experience. It takes practice just like any other learned concept.
My epiphany was that shadow work is NOT witchcraft… shadow work IS therapy… and there’s nothing wrong with doing it yourself…
I will NEVER say that you shouldn’t go to therapy or that you can replace it and do it yourself. I do NOT believe that… BUT, if you can’t afford therapy, or don’t have time for therapy, or still feel like you just can’t whine to some rando about your life story… shadow work is a wonderful place to start, and I promise it’ll help get you to a better place where you can seek further help as needed.
My second biggest barrier is trusting myself, so last year, I started heavily focusing on trusting my intuition. I felt like I’d reached a point where I could find balance between my darkness and my light, so it felt safe to move on.
I know it’ll sound bonkers, and that’s ok… My entire life has been filled with moments of clarity and comprehension immediately followed by moments of doubt. After Nanny died, no one believed me when I said, “I feel like _____ is about to happen,” or “I have a feeling that _______ is what we need to do/where we need to go,” or “Something isn’t right about this person/place/thing… we should go/stay away…”
Usually, my “feelings” were right – often enough to freak me out… But occasionally, my gut would be way off in left field, and once there wasn’t anyone around who cared to listen, I decided it wasn’t worth my energy to say anything because why would it matter anyway?
Over time (+7 years of someone telling me I was wrong but constantly proving me right), I stopped listening to myself entirely… But last year, I read something that started playing on repeat in my brain…
Trauma isn’t just those extravagant tragedies on documentaries. Trauma is any negative moment that your brain didn’t have time to properly process or heal from. And the number one trauma response from past abusive relationships that people don’t talk about unless they’re therapist points it out is to gaslight yourself… constantly…
So, when I have a “feeling,” I say the feeling, or write it down. That way, even if the feeling never turns into anything, I’ve still acknowledged it and trusted it until proven otherwise, and if it does turn into something, I’m ready for it. I’d rather be unnecessarily prepared than unprepared and feeling like “I knew I should’ve _____.”
And, let me tell you… I LOVE trusting myself…
My wife has been a MAJOR contribution to my healing journey and self-worth discovery. My ex-fiancé was and still is (co-parent & still best friends), a pretty big contribution as well.
But nothing… and I mean NOTHING has contributed to my journey of self-discovery, self-worth, and self-trust than ME… Shadow Work for the win!
I didn’t even know I was healing until suddenly navigating triggers was easier and rewarding instead of emotionally draining.
Healing isn’t about finding a cure or fixing yourself. Healing is about acknowledging your inner demons, interacting with them from a place of empathy and compassion, and taming them on YOUR terms.
If you need to dive into your trauma head on off the deep end to be able to rise-up on the other side – then absolutely do that.
But if you’re anything like me… That idea is more overwhelming than the idea of just avoiding your trauma like the rest of the toxic world… That’s ok too!
YOU must start the process – no one else can do it for you. And YOU must put in the work – no one else can… But it’s ok for healing to gradual… as long as it’s not stagnant.
Healing isn’t about pushing everything away and never struggling with it ever again… it’s about finding balance in the intertwining layers of light and darkness.
Life is magical, and also a chaotic hellscape… We must acknowledge and appreciate both sides of ourselves, and the universe to find purpose.
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